puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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