this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
