Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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