just survived the first fart of the relationship.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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