gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
