On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
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Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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