Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
