dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
