So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
