does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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