Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
