hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.