The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The pigeons can smell the fear
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect