Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
