just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
