It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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