I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
