So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
