All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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