i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
