Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
