I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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