Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
