Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
