I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
