Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
