nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
