so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
