last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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