Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
