Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
