I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
