I just threw up on my dentist
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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