i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
