walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
