have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Everything about him screamed your future.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
