just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
