His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
