an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
