paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
