The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
