I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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