where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
