drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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