Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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