i was born a porn star she said
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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