I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
