One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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