Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
