the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
