well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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