woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
