I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
