i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
