I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
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Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
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I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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