theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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