So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize