True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
