why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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